The Coachonista: What Was the Point?

Like an annoying late night rerun that you can't not watch because it's the only thing playing -- oh, for at least the next 7 hours... (and guess who can't sleep?)

Like a truck spinning its tires in the mud going nowhere....my mind continuously asked:

"What was the point?"

Not quietly. Not politely. But deeply penetrating, inescapably beating through my mind.

I lost someone special to me... He passed away early October. And I'm sitting here knowing I can't go back. I can't text him...I can't call him to say sorry for our last fight. I can't hug him. I can't laugh with him...I can't even look him in the eyes anymore.

And now The. Question. Restlessly. Reruns. Through. My. Mind......."What was the point...WHAT WAS THE POINT?"

His memory only hits me this hard....

What was the [gawd damn] point...skating through the dark-filled night; inhaling the ocean breeze, exhaling laughter (at the thought we're as good as Tony Hawk) while snapping selfie...after selfie...

What was the freaking point flying down the highway rapping lyrics (only 90's kids would know)-- in desperate search to satisfy ravenous Taco Bell cravings....because we were okay being fat together....

What was the point of making another beach city my favorite because he was there....

What was the point of making excited plans to surf more and beach camp....

What was the point in having a human bring love into your life and wasting the chance to tell them how IMPORTANT they were to you?

What was the point of having all of these things with someone when you'd never do it with them ever again....?

My hands want to rip everything to shreds at the unfairness of it all.

The Lesson: If there's one thing I've learned about myself and life that I may not be ready to digest, but know is quietly waiting for me to accept is this:

Through loss, there is ALWAYS something special added to our hearts; from every person (or situation) we lose-- we have gained LOVE and wisdom that can only help us along our journey.

Which makes me think about you.

What you've experienced....What you've felt, I've felt....

How many times have you thought "WHAT WAS THE POINT?" when something didn't go the way you wanted?

How often do you not understand the things that you'd never imagine happen?

Yell. Scream.

Say how unfair it is.

But then look a little deeper.

LOVE was the point.

LEARNING about yourself was the point.

OPENING UP to a new world that only another person who you care about can do--
is the point.

There's something you can learn about yourself from the situation that has affected you. It's meant to help you live from a place of love, in which you'll never have anything to regret.

For me, much of my pain lies is in regret. I wish I told Keon how much he meant to me while he was here. I wish I didn't play it so cool and silly all of the time. I wish he knew what all those memories made me realize what a wonderful human being he is and how much I loved him.

But why tell someone you're feelings when....

Maybe they won't feel the same way.

Or maybe it'll sound sappy and desperate.

Maybe it'll mean goodbye forever,

but as much as I hate to admit being in the wrong...

I was for holding back.

Even though I realize this a little too late.

I know the lesson.

Now I know what to do the next time my heart feels something.

Now I have the wisdom to take with me along with the precious memories of this sweet soul.

Rest in Peace, Keon.

Thank you for being a beautiful example of living life to the fullest.
I always admired the way you did exactly what you set your mind to.
Thank you for making me laugh.
Thank you for making memories with me.
Thank you for happening to me.